What's in a name, err..... surname?

This post was originally published in Women's Web here.

A change of surname after marriage for women should be a choice, not mandatory. Our society and officialdom need to come to terms with this. 

A lot has been written about this topic in the past and the future will be no different.

Like most other girls preparing to tie the knot, I also debated with myself, while doing the wedding preps, if I should change by last name post-marriage. After putting in a lot of thought behind this and taking a lawyer’s opinion, I decided that I shall stick to my maiden name post-marriage.

The reason was simple. My maiden name was my identity for more than 25 years and I did not have the heart to adopt a new identity at this stage in my life.

My lawyer advised that in case I decide to change my last name, I would need to execute an affidavit of the change and would need to provide the affidavit wherever I submit documents with my maiden name on them, like all education certificates, PAN card, driving licence etc.

Alternatively, I could retain my maiden name and provide a copy of our marriage certificate whenever I needed to prove my marital status – e.g. visa, address proof work related, etc. Now, if I have to submit an additional document whether or not I change my name, I would obviously, choose to keep my name unchanged.

The decision was taken to retain my maiden name and my husband was in favour of the same more than I was. My husband lived in the USA at the time we got married and my visa formalities as well as joint bank account opening formalities went pretty smoothly. No eyes or eyebrows or fingers were raised!

A point to note here is that women do change their surnames post marriage in all parts of the world (but it is a completely personal choice). However, last year, when we moved back to India, I noticed, every time I spelt out my surname (which is different from my husband’s), people raise brows. It gets to me but I let it pass.

Recently I went to a bank to open a ‘single’ account in my name. I submitted all required documents relating to my identity as well as address (which have my maiden name on them). Despite every document being in order, I was asked to submit a declaration that I was married but I have chosen to retain my maiden name, along with a reason for this decision!

I said it is a personal choice but was advised that it was not an acceptable reason, though all my documents and certificates were in my maiden name. The Customer Service Manager (I have nothing against her as she was merely following procedure) asked me to declare that I retained my maiden name for tax filing purposes. I needed to open this account and hence, submitted the declaration but I still fail to understand why I was made to submit it!

Since it is not a compulsion for women to change their surname post wedding, I fail to fathom why question them when they don’t? Why does my identity need to change just because I am married? I have nothing against people who believe that women should change their surname post marriage but I believe that this is a personal choice and should not be forced onto someone.

Such related incidents in the past few months have raised a very important question in my mind, “why can’t we, as a society, let people make their own decisions and not be judgmental about such choices?”

India and feminism

A few months ago there were innumerable posts on social media, chain emails, whatsapp messages and protests about 'why India needs feminism'. Being a woman, I understand the sentiments behind each of these posts but I also noticed how over-rated the word 'feminism' has become. Feminism is defined as 'the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men'. It is not about male bashing or hating men. Are all the people giving reason for pro-feminism really following this definition? I guess not. 

I have seen 'funny' pictures where a girl is holding a placard saying she needs feminism because she does not need to learn cooking. I feel that in the current times, both men and women need to know how to cook- for survival. There is another one where someone said she needed feminism because she wanted to be able to sleep in a cab!  Really? Since when did it become safe for anyone (boy or girl) to sleep in a cab? There are many others like these.

What frustrates me more is the fact that whenever there is a crime against a woman, everyone starts forwarding messages, emails and posting on social media about the crime and pledging for violence against women/ women safety/ feminism. A few weeks later, when the news has moved to 2nd and 3rd pages of the newspapers, nobody bothers about feminism anymore. 

In my opinion, we do not need these placards to attain feminism in India. Women need to learn a few things before they step out and highlight why we need feminism. This learning, as any other learning, begins at home. 

Many highly educated girls who are earning well, and need feminism, accept that dowry is a 'ritual' that needs to be adhered to in marriages. I have heard atrocious reasons like, it increases the status of the bride in the new home, the couple will start a new life so all furniture and household items should be given to the bride (oh! so the groom will not sleep on that bed and nor will he use that sofa, TV, Refrigerator, Aircondtioner etc.). It is high time these sophisticated, well-educated women stand up for themselves and put their foot down the moment dowry is mentioned. That will be 'feminism'. 

Throughout India, there is an image of an ideal woman - the one who sacrifices herself for the benefit of others around her. If a woman fails to live up to this image, she is not the ideal woman.  When you try to explain to a mother that she does not need to sacrifice everytime for her family, she will proudly answer, "that is a trait of a good mother". Is that how we judge mothers? If she does not give her share of food to her children or husband, is she not a good mother or a good wife? Sometimes, the mothers who teach their daughters about sacrifices fail to teach their sons to be 'human' (Mom to her daughter: a boy whistled at you, you must have done something to attract his attention. Mom about her son: He has started whistling at girls, he is growing up. <wink, wink>) As a girl grows up, she sees her mother making these sacrifices and picks up the same. Where the mother fails to inculcate such behaviour in her daughter or the daughter refuses to follow this; she faces problems post-marriage. Her mother-in-law expects her to behave in such a way. I don't see a reason why women need to be taught this while men don't. Once, every woman starts treating her needs as important as that of her family, that will be 'feminism'.

We will achieve feminism the day the lady living next door stops judging you according to the time you return home or the number of boys you have in your friend circle. We will achieve feminism when women stop saying that rape is the fault of the victim - I fail to understand how a 6 month old baby commits the fault of being raped! We will achieve feminism when women stop judging other women by the way they dress or saying that women get raped because of their dresses- if that was so, crime against women would be the highest in the western world instead of India! 

We can achieve feminism only when the thinking of our women change. I can not say that this thinking can be changed by education as highly educated women are making these mistakes. The change has to come from within, from household setups. Next time put your foot down, don't always think of compromise, treat yourself as important as your husband/children, when another woman stares at you because of your dress, walk up to her and ask for a reason instead of twisting your mouth and looking the other way, when a woman in office says the rape was the girls fault ask her for her reasoning - I am sure there will be none! Walk together to achieve feminism by changing the way you think! 

Oh, and in no way am I saying that the state of affairs in the country is only due to the women. Men are equally responsible. My only claim is that lets correct ourselves first and then go on to change the world! Also, I am not claiming that the examples I have quoted are true for every Indian home; there maybe only a very few but what the change needs to come about in those few homes as well.

I hope one day, India will understand feminism- that day the Indian woman will be truly respected. 

Parents... our first teachers!

Parents... a child's first teachers, first friends, best guides, mentors, real confidantes, saviours and all that you ever need in life. With changing times, people are forgetting the importance of parents in their lives. The reason for a person's success has its roots in their parents.... I got hold of this picture somewhere and it describes best the contribution of parents in a person's success:

This is so aptly put! I chose Teachers' Day (5th September) to write about parents. Teachers' Day in India is celebrated on the birth anniversary of the second President of India, academic philosopher Dr. Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan. 

When he became the President, some of his students and friends requested him to allow them to celebrate his birthday. He replied, "Instead of celebrating my birthday, it would be my proud privilege if 5 September is observed as Teachers' Day"

His birthday has since been celebrated as Teachers' Day in India - Wikipedia

Parents are our first teachers. They are there for us though thick and thin... then a day comes when they grow old... they need us. I believe this time is the test of one's character. People usually forget what their parents went through to bring them up... some people pass it as 'it was the parents' duty, we dint ask them to bring us in this world'. These same people expect their children to take care of them when they grow old. A person with real character will never disrespect one's parents, will love them all the more when they grow old and will treat them as one's child as they age. 

India is progressing but the family values are deteriorating... 'Padhega India tabhi to badhega India' (India will progress if India is educated) ... a tagline being used a little too often sounds hollow when I look at the state of the old people (not all but a large number!). I believe education should build your character, should enrich you with values and make you more empathetic. In contrast, the educated youth (again... not all but a large number!) take false pride in being educated and think anyone else who is not as educated (or not as educated as they are) is inferior to them... be it their parents! They forget that it is their parents who provided for their education. Such people are always complaining that their parents did not provide for something or the other during their childhood and they would provide a better upbringing to their children. I pity such educated people!

I wish more people realised this!!

I wish we continued to believe in building character rather than wealth. 

Oh! and for all those who believe that parents can't be your friends, remember when you could not even speak, your mother played peek-a-boo with you. When you grew up a little, your father played stupid games with you when he returned from a hectic day at work. When you started going to school, they listened to endless repeated stories about your school and teachers and friends. Those were your first friends and probably the only ones who will last!

Our new apartment

Everyone agrees that moving to a new apartment is a big task! All the packing, unpacking and setting up becomes so tiresome that one tends to avoid. 

Recently, we were subjected to this task. Dev was living in a one-bedroom apartment which was quite small, suitable for his bachelor days. With me joining him, the wardrobe seemed to be overflowing. The dresser was no different and I was always hitting some furniture while walking from one room to another. Bottom line, we needed a bigger apartment! 

Hence, the search for an apartment began. We did this in a very organised way - making a checklist of everything we needed in our new apartment and tallying it with the available amenities every time we visited an apartment. It was tedious but finally we did find an apartment we liked!

We were moving from a furnished apartment to an unfurnished one. This was good news plus bad news - good because I had full control on the style of the furniture and bad because we had to put in a lot of effort selecting and ordering the furniture. I chose to take it as good news. Then came the packing, moving, unpacking and setting up. It took us about a month to finally set up the whole apartment to our liking. 

Now that we are settled, I really love the place. My favourite place in the apartment is our balcony where I can spend hours. Just sitting and reading or writing. In the evening, when Dev comes home, we sit in the balcony and sip tea - sometimes a cold coffee. On Saturday nights - our Biryani night when we are home - we have dinner in the balcony. 

Our cold coffee party 

I keep looking up for ideas to decorate the walls of the apartment. I have used some mirror work and photographs to decorate the living room walls and am planning on using some wall art for the bedrooms. 

Though the whole exercise was tiresome, Dev and I are really enjoying our new abode! Welcome home!! 

Pursuing hobbies

Two things always amazed me: tasty food and life-like photographs!

First, the food. I am not too much of a foodie so when my Mom asks me to name the dishes I want to eat when I am home next time, I am at a loss of words, in contrast to my brother who would name them without taking a moment's break. Despite not being a foodie, I loved what my Mom cooked. How does she do it??? I would often wonder! How can someone make the simple ingredients taste so good! 

Going on to my history in cooking, Mom tells me when I was 10, I once prepared food for the entire family as she was unwell. I do not remember this incident but since she is sure, she must be right. I have enjoyed baking and making continental food since I was 16. However, I could not imagine myself making delicious Indian food ever. During our pre-marriage conversations about food and my motivation for cooking, my husband was almost sure that he would have to continue to cook post-marriage. Even I was pretty sure that I would probably cook once or twice a week! 

And then, marriage happened! Marriage brought a lot of change in my life. Since I decided to join my husband, Dev, in another country, I quit my job and took a career break. I had quite a bit of 'me' time in which, I read, watched documentaries & movies and decorated our apartment. But there was much more I could do. I started to experiment in the kitchen. And viola, we were both in for a pleasant surprise. I started to enjoy cooking! It is so satisfying to experience how the ingredients turn into a tasty surprise. 

Next, the photography. Came spring and the world became colourful. Starting from the Cherry Blossom festival, I found various opportunities to practice photography. I would click pictures of flowers from various angles and then analyse them. This helped me click better pictures. Dev, who is not very fond of getting pictures clicked had to become my subject at various instances. I started enjoying it, especially capturing natural landscapes, flora and fauna. I used my iPhone camera as well as my point and shoot. Seeing my passion, Dev gifted me a DSLR recently. Last Sunday was my first day out with my DSLR and I thoroughly enjoyed playing with it. Slowly I will learn and hope some day I will have captured shots that are worth sharing with the world!!!

Ever been woken up by the moonlight on your face??

Many times in the past, my morning’s deep slumber have been disrupted by sunlight streaming on my face from my bedroom window. Not an experience I am very fond of! However, last night was different… I woke up due to the moonlight streaming through my window.

At about 2 a.m. I suddenly woke up being distracted by something… opened my eyes to see the beautiful moon staring at my face.

The sight was beautiful… clear sky and (almost) full moon! I have always admired the moon. As children when my brother and I went to our grandparents’ places for summer vacations and slept on the terrace, I remember we would spend hours looking at the moon and gazing at the stars before we finally fell asleep. Alas! Those days are long gone. We moved to bigger cities which means we do not get to see the moon and the stars anymore! The tall buildings hide the view of the sky and even if one can see the sky, the bright lights dim the stars. I have been in the UK for over 2.5 years now and I have been able to see clear skies (when it is not cloudy!!) a few times and have admired the moon and the stars. However, the sight last night was unparalleled. I could not believe that I actually woke up due to the moonlight but when I looked around I realised that there was no other reason that I would wake up at 2 a.m. The moon shone brightly but it was not harsh like the sun… it was calming feeling.

It is an experience to remember to wake by moonlight streaming on your face and be able to stare back at the moon. It brought a smile to my face despite being woken up…something that I hate!

I hope everyone experiences this in a lifetime… and those of you who have experienced it… you know what I mean!

New beginning, new hopes!

After one of the longest nights of my life when I kept waking up with a start almost every hour fearing that I was late, came the morning of 12^th December 2011. I was starting work after 1 year, 3 months and 11 days! 6 a.m: pitch dark outside! 7 a.m: I left home when it was still as dark as 6 a.m. I made my way the bus stop, waiting for the bus and marvelling at the almost full moon…it looked beautiful! I reached my new office well before time with my new hopes for the new beginning. Briefings about the company, about the team, about my role… the more I was told, the more interested I got. Attended a few meetings to get the feel of the work I would be required to do. Read quite a bit about the company, completed some admin work and that was it for the day.

A day that made me look forward to my role… give me more!! 

Keep Rocking!

My first experience with hard rock was during my college days. At Lady Shri Ram College, the only fest we looked forward to was the IIT Delhi fest. We would try not to miss even a single day of Rendezvous (it’s the name given to IITD Fest, for those who don’t know). Getting passes for the pronite and rock show was always a herculean task. You really had to have a lot of friends or ‘friends of friends’ to arrange the passes for you.

In my second year of college, some 5-6 of us just went to the IIT campus on the rock show day. We managed to find someone who could arrange passes for us and were overjoyed at our success to have been able to manage to get inside to be a part of the crowd gathered for the rock show. At that time, I dint really know what heavy metal music is or for that matter, I dint really know what rock music is. As the band began to play, the heavy metal music sounded harsher and harsher to us. We could see people head banging and enjoying the music but for us it was terrible. I kept wondering how someone can enjoy this music, the music that was giving me a headache. Someone told me, all rockers do drugs as this kind of music can be enjoyed only when you are on drugs. After sometime, we just could not bear it and decided to leave, upset that the rock show was not worth the efforts we put in to arrange the passes.

Overtime my brother has become a rocker himself. I hated the fact coz I thought rock music can not be enjoyed without drugs, and I thought… Oh My God… is my brother doing drugs???? How wrong I was!!! Not that now I like heavy metal but I can now understand that those people who were enjoying the music may not necessary have been on drugs. They were genuinely enjoying the music.

My brother insists that all of us at home also hear rock music. He sometimes chooses a list of songs and makes me sit and listen to them. I don’t always like the songs he makes me hear but yes, I do love the songs he composes and the ones he plays on his own guitar.

It’s my brother who told me the different forms of rock music. He told me, anyone who hears heavy metal would never like it in the first go. The liking comes slowly after a while. I have now started liking soft rock. Though I still cant make out the difference between pop and rock like he can (something to do with there being more electronic sounds etc, if I am not wrong!), but now it seems am gonna start liking rock music!!!

Learning Curve

After my first blog I wasn’t sure whether I should continue writing. Even though I got encouragement from a few of my well wishers, I wasn’t really sure whether I can write and whether I should do it. I know it seems like a very long time but I was still taking feedback for my last blog till last week, waiting to see more comments on the blog but not many came so I thought of taking oral feedbacks. Last week, while in the process and after a lot of coaxing, one of my very close comrades said, “What should I comment on this? Should I say that it was so stupid of you not to have pulled the chain or should I say that you should become a professor because they usually preach from their mistakes?” Now, I have not been a person who takes criticism well and for a moment I did feel bad also for such a comment. But then, I gave it another thought and was shocked to realise that I took the criticism in my stride and decided to be more alert the next time I face a situation which requires quick thinking. I realised that it’s a drastic change from what I was earlier to what I am now. For the past few months, my father has been telling me that my behaviour and outlook towards things has changed in the recent past and he is proud of that. But I thought it was just because he is my father that he keeps telling me these things, after all, which parent does not see his/ her children as the best in the world? But this incident really made me think, “Has my outlook really changed?” 

Looking back, I realise that in the last few years of my life I have learned a lot about life. Some learning has been hard learned while there are certain things which I just learned without having to burn my hands.Four years earlier I was a happy-go-lucky, easy going, fun loving girl. A confident girl who was sure to achieve whatever she wants. She dreamed of a rosy life. I was and still am a very pampered child at home. Today I still am what I was in those days but I have learnt a lot about life and also about myself.What I am today is because of my family. Had it not been for them, I would have never got a chance to know what life really is. My parents allowed me to live life on my own terms and subtly also told me where I went wrong. And had it not been for their sacrifices and will power I would not have had a career today at all. Despite living in hostels for a greater part of my school and college life, I always had a protected environment. For every little advice I wanted I always went back to my parents. As I grew I started developing thoughts of my own and undoubtedly there were points in time when I thought that I was right and my father/ mother was wrong. But Papa had this very intelligent way of telling me that he dint approve of what I was doing, he would say, “according to me it should be done this way but then if you think it should be otherwise, I wont object to it”.As a kid I always knew my parents have great expectations from me. There was a point in my life when I felt over burdened with the expectation from me. But then, I now realise that there are expectation only where there is a confidence that the expectations are achievable. As I grew, I only became closer to my family even while the people around me wondered that how could a girl who has stayed away from her family for almost all her life be close to her family. When at a certain get- together where I was present with a few friends and extended family of mine an acquaintance asked me whether we are all a close-knit family, someone from my extended family answered, “as a family we are close knit but you know Prachi has been in hostels since childhood so as a person she is not very close even to her real brother.” I was zapped at this but I dint react. At another time the same person also told me upfront that I would not know the close bond that a family shares as I had lived away from my family for a greater part of my life. I tried to retaliate on this but then realised that there is no point trying to explain my relationship with my parents or brother to anyone. There is also a cousin of mine who is the same age as this particular person mentioned earlier who told me that “Prachi always remember, your mother will always be your best friend. She is the only one who will always show you the right path.” I still thank her for this advice. Today when I look back at these two incidents, I know that there will always be two kinds of people in your life, people who try to tell you that you don’t have anything and people who will encourage you and show you the right way.Everyone gets to meet both the kinds of people in their lives, the only thing that is important is how you tackle them and what you learn from such incidents. Having met so many people of both the kinds, now I have a better understanding of people and can handle situations better than I earlier could. I feel I have become wiser, patient, mature and more tolerant, especially after I started working.

This blog is mainly to thank my parents, my brother and all the people who are my well wishers and who helped me grow as an individual. All of you must know your importance in my life and how thankful I am to each one of you to have stood by me at all times.

How responsible are we?

Last Saturday, after having seen my brother off at the Dadar station, I along with my parents boarded a local train to go back to Grant Road where I live. Having spent a week with the entire family, the three of us were morose after seeing my brother off and were just staring out of the window of the moving train. I was thinking that very soon my parents would also be going back to my native place and I would again be alone in Mumbai. The train stopped at Mumbai Central station. The usual buzz of people getting off and boarding the train continued and the train started moving. We noticed some commotion at the door and I peeked out of the window to see a boy, of about 12-13 years running alongside the train which was gaining speed. The people in the train were asking him to leave the train’s pole that he was holding as he was not being able to keep pace with the running train. I also noticed that he was repeatedly turning back and looking at someone. I was wondering, “Why doesn’t this boy just leave the pole and catch the next train! And if he does want to catch the train, why doesn’t he just get in and stop looking back!” I also noticed a couple with worry on their face. The boy was their son. By now, the train had already gained speed and the passengers pulled the boy in. Suddenly we heard a shriek, and instantly turned back to look at a girl, about 7-8 years old who had started crying.

It then dawned on me, these people were not regular travellers in Mumbai local trains. I got answers to all my questions. That boy was running along the train hoping that his sister would catch up with him and both of them would get in. People started consoling the mother as she had already started weeping and was worrying about her daughter, “vo vahan akele kya karegi. Usko kuch pata bhi nahi hai” (what will she do there! She doesn’t know anything), was all she kept saying. The father started asking co-passengers what he should do. The passengers suggested that the family should get off at the next station and take the help of the railway police. The next station as Grant Road. The family got off and walked towards the RPF (Railway Police Force) office. We too got off and started walking the other way towards the foot bridge. Till now all three of us were dumb struck. We had seen the face of a small girl full of fear and anxiety. My parents recalled an incident when they had almost lost me in a train on our way to Puri. We started discussing what was right to be done in such a situation. My father said, the distance being only of about two minutes, one of the parents should have taken a train back to Mumbai Central and the other should have gone to the RPF for help. My mother said, they should have let their children board the train first or one parent should have boarded then the children and then the other parent. We were doing all this discussion and my heart kept going back to that little girl. What she must be going through. Getting lost in Mumbai that too on a local station! I just prayed to God that the parents find their little girl.

I was wondering what if they announce on the station, like they usually do for lost people, and some person with wrong intentions spots her and misguides her. Then it suddenly struck me- WE COULD HAVE PULLED THE CHAIN!!- I said aloud. My father said, “but is there a chain in the local?” I replied that there is one. He said, “I dint know there was one, else I would have pulled the chain”. I really cant explain the feeling I had when I realised how irresponsibly I had behaved. Shouldn’t I, or for that matter all my co-passengers, have remembered that we could pull the chain and have saved the mental trauma for that little girl? I don’t mean that we should keep pulling the chain for everyone who misses a train but in this case, we knew it’s a small girl whose entire family is onboard and she is being left alone on a platform. I feel pathetic that none of us, who are regular travellers by local trains in Mumbai, acted responsibly enough. We were all panicked and thought of solutions other than the most obvious one!

Probably, most humans behave like this. They panic and find solutions other than the most obvious one. The obvious solution doesn’t even occur to most, just like in this case. I don’t know what happened after we left but I still pray to God that the girl was safe and met her parents.